Friday, May 9, 2008

I is for "If"

I received this in the mail a few days ago.  It's a sort of "sympathy on the anniversary of" card. I don't mind, it's not as if I wouldn't have remembered anyway on my own.  I can't NOT remember, not yet anyway.  Maybe someday.

When I think back to all the pain and confusion, today what stands out the most is how much time I spent thinking:

If I had spent more time physically with him, not just talking on the phone
If I had gotten to know his family and shared what I knew
If I had given in to impulse instead of waiting for a better time
If I had remembered how clever he could be
If I had paid attention to the calendar and what was coming up
If I...

But most often:

If he could have waited on for just one more day.  One day is all it would have taken.  One more day and he would have seen this:

And I would have told him about this moment:

And all that followed. Just one more day.

I could carry the "if"'s on forward forever.  But none of them matter. There's really only one "if" that does and it was the hardest one for me to learn.

If there was anything at all I could have done to keep him alive, he would be.  And he isn't.  So it was never within my power to make it so.


Sheepish Annie said...

I've been there. And it is freeing to realize that you couldn't have changed it. But it is hard, too. No one wants to know they are that powerless...

In the end, I guess we just remember what was good and learn what we can from the experience.


Mia said...

I have no words. ::hug::

Ina said...

I am sorry for your loss.